The reason I started these posts is because for the past few months, far too many days have gone by when I was completely disconnected, not just from others but from myself. I would spend full days completely enraptured in my own little world without a care for anyone outside of it. It took me a long time to realize how disconnected I had been, but I have since taken steps to remain here in reality. This is one of those ways.
Typing these posts requires me to think, and thinking requires me to actually be present to the world around me. By posting these every day, I force myself to be alert and to come out of whatever cavernous hole my mind wants to take me to. To type out my thoughts means I have to organize them in a coherent way, which requires more effort on my part. Not only do I have to think, but I must know what to think and how to think it.
One of the reasons I retreat into my own world is because I am afraid of harsh judgement. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing and hurting somebody else. In short, I think I’m scared of losing the respect of others. I don’t speak up because it could offend someone that I respect, and then all of a sudden that person looks down on me. It’s humiliating. That is why I haven’t shared some of my political views, at least not directly, in my previous posts. I try to shroud some of it in theology and I always try to sound like I’m approaching from the middle of the aisle.
The hard truth that this experiment has made me face is that I’m not coming from the middle of the aisle. I have become an extremely progressive Christian, and you know what? That’s okay! I’ve had to post more political commentary on here than I ever have in my life because that has been what is on my mind. I have been forced to post it unfiltered, in a way that I would never have shown myself before. I don’t get a chance to clean this up and make it look nice for y’all. It is just here. These are my thoughts.
Some of this scares me a great deal. When I go back and read what I’ve written, sometimes I disagree with what I see on the page. What I thought 10 days ago may not be what I think now. I may have lost your respect because of something I don’t even believe anymore. So why in the world would I go posting all of this stuff?
Because I need to be me. And to be me, I need to know who I am. And to know who I am, I need to think.
I need to be me more than I need to be respected by you.