It is only Wednesday but I feel like this week should already be over. I’ve been tired a lot over the past few months (thanks Sammy) but this feels different. I don’t feel emotionally drained. I don’t feel like I just want to quit. I don’t feel disconnected and spaced out. In fact, it’s the opposite of that.
The space that Lent has given me, with the help of this quarantine no doubt, has made me become more aware of myself. I’m more in tune with my body and I’m noticing the parts that aren’t functioning at 100%. Just this weekend, Darby and I began a 30 days of yoga experience on Youtube and even within these first few days, I’ve realized how clenched up I’ve been. Certain muscles are tight, my shoulders don’t want to relax, my back wants to slouch during every moment of stillness. My body is tired.
On top of that, things have not slowed down that much at my work. In fact, I’ve been doing something that I haven’t done in a long time: typing. To give you a little backstory, my work has two primary positions: callers and typists. The caller’s job is to contact people and conduct phone surveys with them while the typist later listens to the audio recording and types it into a document. I have mostly been a caller for the past few years but this month I’ve needed to type because we got so far behind typing surveys, something that rarely ever happens.
While I’ve enjoyed the break from calling people, one thing that typing demands is full focus. When I call, I merely need to be present with my mind, so I will walk around my office and even do exercises at times. Typing forces me to be focused with both mind and body, listening to what is said then typing it out, then later checking to make sure it makes sense. It is a draining exercise. My mind is tired.
Then we get to what is going on in the world. Some people are freaking out a lot while others don’t care enough. Some believe this virus will be incredibly destructive while others think it’s a hoax. My Facebook feed is filled with all kinds of opinions, some of which are infuriating to me. My Twitter feed is filled with many people my age who are angry about how the Democratic primary is going and angry at those in the government who don’t seem to care about us. Rage and fear are everywhere, while stupidity and ignorance amplify it. My soul is tired.
So here we are two and a half weeks away from the end of Lent. I know this is the part of the journey that is supposed to be the hardest – where we are past halfway but not quite at the home stretch. This is the part where the energy runs out and sheer will kicks in. I’m tired, but at least I know that I am and I know what I need to do. I will keep pressing on.
I could really use some coffee right about now.