My son and I drove past a well-kept cemetery. I said, “I hear that people are dying to be buried here. But,” I continued, “they won’t let me be buried there.”
He asked, “Why not?”
I said, “Because I’m not dead yet.”
***
My wife is always wanting my help in cutting up the fruit salad. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

***

My daughter, when she was young, would play with my beard. She asked if my beard was itchy and hot. I replied, “At first I didn’t want a beard. But then it grew on me.”

***

When I was young, one of my teachers was concerned about my vision (rightly so!). One of the tests I took determined that I was a bit colorblind. When I found out about this I said, “Well, that certainly came out of the purple!”

***

My daughter always has fascinating dreams. It’s a bad night when she doesn’t have a creative dream to share the next day.

I was so jealous, I said, “Last night I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.”
***
After I went to jail, my son asked if they took a mugshot.
“Actually, there’s a new program in the jail. They let you take your own mugshot. They’re called cellfies.”
***
My daughter wanted to make some homemade ice cream.
I said, “Wait a minute. Have you ever gone to sundae school?”